Some funny quotes....

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
--Mark Twain

"I don't get no respect. I played hide-and-seek, and they wouldn't even look for me."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!"
--Rodney Dangerfield

"Ageing: First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
--George Burns

"I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born!"
--Chris Bliss

An my favorite:
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman